COMBINE TSA AND HEALTHCARE; Killing All Birds With Two Stones

By:  Resa LaRu Kirkland

There’s been a lot of talk lately about two things:  stopping the out-of-control spending by the elite and the airport grope-fests we who choose to take flight like the birds must now face so that none of the real terrorists get their pathetic feelings hurt.

Since both the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and Health Care (HC) are under the control of our bloated, belching government, my friend Peter Gourley had a brilliant idea.

Why not combine the two?  You know, a whole fleet of neurosurgeons, proctologists general practitioners, OB/Gyns, gastroenterologists; make a trip AND get a thorough (and I do mean THOROUGH) checkup.  Our airports could double as doctors’ offices.  It’s the old two birds-one stone scenario.  Just think of the savings…and the conversations!

TSA:  Sir, I am going to need to check every inch of your body, including your groin and anal cavity.  While I’m at it, would you like our doctor to check your prostate, rectum, and give you a hernia exam?  That will save the state money and insure us you are clean, inside and out.

Bird1:  Uh…no?   

         

TSA:  Sir!  I have the power and authority!  You do NOT need to be combative!

Bird1:  (looks side to side at the glass windows and thousands of people walking by) Umm….I wasn’t, I simply said “no” because this isn’t an appropriate place for such…

TSA:  Don’t you raise your voice at me!

Bird1:  (temporarily stunned and confused)  I...I didn’t.  I thought you said “would you like?”  That indicates it’s an option, doesn’t it?

TSA:  That’s it!  I’m getting my supervisor!

Bird1:  But my son is flying to Salt Lake City for a heart transplant, and we only have a few hours to get there before it will be too late.

TSA:  (turning to two burly, snarling agents) You heard him, he’s resisting, hold him down while I get the supervisor and our Doc to check him and that so-called “sick” son of his.

Or this charming scenario:

Bird2:  I have a metal plate in my heard, that’s why the metal detector is squealing.

TSA:  How do I know?  Strip down, sir.

Bird2:  How is my being naked going to prove I have a plate in my head?  Look, if you press along here you can actually feel a seam…

TSA:  Why do you have a plate in your head?

Bird2:  I was injured in Desert Storm.

TSA:  So you’re military!  So the state had to pay for that plate since you selfishly refuse to pay for your own injuries.  That gives me the right to thoroughly check it out. I’m going to call the Doc over so he can make an incision in your scalp and make sure that you haven’t ripped off the state.

Bird2:  WHAT?  Here?

TSA:  He’ll wash his hands first, you big baby.

Bird2:  Wait, you’re going to force me to have surgery?

TSA:  Hey, you knew the risks when you volunteered to be in the military!

Bird2:  That makes no sense at all!  This is outrageous and evil!

TSA:  You heard him!  He called me evil!  I’m an Islammunist whose delicate psyche cannot take two syllables like that!  Hate speech!  Hate speech!  He’s prejudice against the devil!  What’d the devil ever do to you, huh?

Bird2:  Well, for one thing she violated me in an airport.

Women, it will be MUCH more exciting for you:

TSA:  Ma’am, you’ll have to step aside, strip naked, get on the table, and place your feet in the stirrups.

Bird3:  WHAT?  Why on earth? 

TSA:  We have to make sure that is actually a baby you’re carrying and not an IED.

Bird3:  (stunned and confused, looks side to side) Am I being punked?  Did my husband set this up?  He’s always up to shenanigans.

TSA:  Are you calling me a joke?

Bird3:  What?  No, I just…this can’t be for real.  Look, I’m six weeks from delivery, all my check-ups are up to date, I just want to get home.

TSA:  Do I need to call my supervisor?

Bird3:  Yep, ‘cause I’m not submitting to this.

TSASup:  Ma’am, I’m sure you don’t want to endanger the other passengers.  Please just let us do our jobs.

Bird3:  I didn’t realize an unborn child was such a threat.

TSASup:  How do we know that you’re carrying a child?

Bird3:  The massive belly could be your first clue.

TSASup:  Are you getting combative with me?  For all I know that’s a bomb you’re smuggling!

Bird3:  In my uterus?

TSASup:  Yes, people hide things inside body cavities all the time.

Bird3:  First of all, this isn’t hidden, it’s plain as day.  Second of all, they don’t push things the size of whole watermelons inside themselves.  And third, I’m pulling up my shirt…see the belly?  See that that sudden movement under the skin?  I ain’t Ripley and that ain’t no alien.

TSASup:  Hey, terrorists are creative.  Plus, since there is a human inside of you, I’d better check him too.

Bird3:  Wh…what???  

    

TSASup:  Yep, everyone gets thoroughly checked.  E-v’ry-one.

Bird3:  How are you going to thoroughly check my baby?

TSASup:  We have ultrasounds, pelvic exams, even making an incision to be sure you’re carrying a baby and that he’s not packing.  It’s really up to the OB, I’m no doctor.

Bird3:  What about Burka Betty over there?  Her swollen belly is actually ticking and she reeks of C4!

TSASup:  That’s profiling!  How dare you!?

Bird3:  How dare I what?  Suggest something that actually works?

TSASup:  Not all terrorists are Muslim!

Bird3:  No, but thus far 99% of terrorists have been followers of Islam.

TSASup:  Racist!  This bomb-totin’ woman is a terrorist!  That’s it!  We’re going to have to sedate you, and just for that outrageous comment, we’re going right to incision!

Bird3:  You can’t do that!  I won’t let you touch me or my baby!

TSASup:  Oh yes we can!  We have the whole force of the US Government behind us.  Besides, you’re on government healthcare, which is paying for that baby.  You both belong to the state.  Doc, we have a hostile in glass booth 4!

Couldn’t we also add a booth for piercings?  I mean, we’re taking out the birds with two stones, why not add one more rock?  You know, “we may make you remove piercings on this side of check through, but we’ll give you a new one on the other side, through your upper and lower lip.”

Then Uncle Sam will not only NOT have to deal with our reasonable, vocal outrage, but he can make even more charging both a piercing removal fee and a piercing infliction fee.  That deficit will be gone in no time, the money will just flood in, and the elite can buy new shirts for their TSA/HC team members.

May I suggest they buy them in brown?

Keep the faith, bros, in all things courage, and no substitute for VICTORY.